Dear Diary
by greenstuff2
Summary: Molly settles into the tour and begins to keep a record of events and her feelings...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All rights belong to Tony Grounds and the BBC.**

It is the evenings that are the worst. After dinner, which is nothing to write home about, there is sod all to do, except for sometimes when we do an evening patrol, but most of the time it's very boring. No tele, no Facebook, no Twitter, obviously, and you can't even text your mates because we're not allowed mobiles out here. I don't do books but I thought of asking me mum to send one, trouble is she would probably send one of the sloppy ones she reads or something iffy. I would never live it down if the lads saw me with one of them. She sometimes sends me Hello and that, but you can read them in one evening then what?

I am getting on really well with the lads now as it happens. Nude-nut and Baz Vegas do me head in sometimes cos they sound like me little brothers except me brothers are more grown up. Fingers, Brains and Dangles are really nice to me these days. I think they feel bad cos they were so shitty to me when Smurf threw his 'you can't play in our gang anymore' hissy fit and they went along with him. Sometimes they let me play cards with them in the evening but I know they don't really want me to cos I don't always remember the rules and I keep playing the wrong cards. I don't actually give a toss cos I don't really enjoy playing that much but it is something to do. Mansfield is my favourite cos he's really sweet to me and sometimes he is so dumb that he makes me look clever which is a bit of a first! We are all calling Captain James 'Boss' now, which is a bit of relief cos I was getting shit-scared that I would forget meself and call him by one of me nicknames and I don't think that he would like that, although it would probably depend on what sort of mood he was in.

Even watching stars gets boring sometimes when there is nothing else to do.

Sometimes one of the sections does some entertainment. We sort of take it in turns. To be honest it's usually pretty crap but we pretend to enjoy it cos they are probably doing their best and we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Well only if we are doing it on purpose. So we cheer and clap and stamp our feet and that, but it is hard not to piss ourselves with laughter sometimes.

We have been here for a while now and some of the stuff is already getting muddled up in my head, so I thought I would write a sort of diary sort of thing. Not the usual sort of diary with lots of 'went on patrol today', or 'this is what we had for dinner' or 'this is what the weather was like' cos every day would be the same and I would get bored with it, so I'm going to do a sort of letter to meself with what happens and how I feel about stuff so that when I get home I can remind meself of what went on.. And it will give me something to do which is a bit of a bonus. I thought I would start with Christmas so that I won't forget it, so here goes…

**DECEMBER 25 2013**

Dear Diary,

Christmas was weird, not horrible weird, just a bit odd. Everyone was trying so hard to 'have a good time' that sometimes it felt as though we was trying too hard! Regulations were relaxed a bit and the ANA were doing the patrols without us but we still had to carry our weapons around with us. I wonder if I will ever get used to it? The lads were all wearing Santa hats, but I decided I didn't want to wear a fleecy hat in 40% heat and anyway I have got a lot more hair than them, so I would have boiled. I broke regs. and left me hair down using some tinsel as a crown sort of hairband. Fingers said I looked like a little angel, wanker!

We had a little service type thing in the morning. We had Dangles on the keyboard and we started with Hark the Herald Angels Sing and I thought we sounded quite good. Mind you its difficult to tell cos I was in the middle of the singing and we were quite loud, so we might have been crap. We then did Away in a Manger and that made everyone get sad looking as If they were getting a bit homesick for the kids at home, even me, as I remembered the little ones singing it as they practised for the school Carol concert last year. Then the Boss did a little reading, then we said "Our Father who art in Heaven" and finished with "O come all ye faithful. Actually it was quite nice. I don't know what the God Squad made of it, but I've never been to church at Christmas so I enjoyed it.

We had the full Christmas dinner, turkey, stuffing, sprouts and that and then Christmas pudding, which I don't like, and mince pies. We had crackers which were fun, except they are not really meant to be used to bash each other, but not half as much fun as the Boss and Eggy and the other corporals being waiters for the day. Apparently it is a tradition. We had the Boss running backwards and forwards as much as we could making him get more of this and that and the other, whatever we could think of, then complaining that it wasn't hot enough or whatever. I asked for a vodka and coke with ice and he said "_Trust you, Dawes_" and he sounded quite stern so I thought I had gone too far, then I saw he was laughing. I can't believe I thought he didn't have a sense of humour when we arrived. Fingers, Dangles and I got a terrible fit of the giggles and we just cracked up and couldn't stop. We were all crying with laughter and ended up on the floor. I think the Boss thought we were laughing at him, cos he looked a bit 'left out', but we weren't, I really don't know what we were laughing at, we just were. The Boss stood on a chair and said that anyone caught throwing food would have to clear up the mess and would be on latrine clean for a week, then he had to shut up as someone scored a bullseye with a mince pie, right in his gob. So we didn't eat the mince pies, we threw them at each other. Supposed to be another tradition, but they bleeding hurt when they hit you, so God knows who made the pastry!

Bossman turned into Santa after lunch, although he didn't wear a costume or anything, but he handed out the mail that had come from home. Everyone had some, so that was nice. Had lots of bits from the kids and Mum and Nan which was lovely, and lots of cards and letters. Nan sent me some really nice knickers, wonder where she nicked them from? Nothing from Dad, but then I didn't expect anything really, he would see it as a waste of booze money.

Then most of the lads had the phone call home they had booked. Apparently the reception weren't great but I don't think they minded cos at least they got to talk to their families. I didn't bother to book one. There was no point really, the kids would be worn out and fighting and yelling by now, Mum would be in a complete panic as she tried to get the dinner cooked without me to help and Dad would be passed out drunk. Nan would be probably be asleep as well from her couple of drinks, that is if she isn't in jail for shoplifting!

The Boss asked me if I was going to call home and I said, without thinking really_, No thanks, no point, Sir"._ He looked worried. You can always tell cos he keeps running his fingers through his hair and biting his lip, and I wanted to say "_Don't worry about it Sir, I ain't", _ but I couldn't, he might not have been worried about me at all, then I would have felt stupid.

We had an inter-section football tournament after the phone calls were finished. 2 Section won, but that might have been because Eggy was the referee and I am not sure he can count as 2 section's team seemed to have one or two more players than the five that were supposed to be playing. The rules were a bit different from what happens at Upton Park, mind you West Ham might do better if they played by our rules. There was a sin bin and anybody who tried too hard, tried to score a goal and missed or upset the referee had to wait out for a 5 minute penalty then they had to spin round 10 times and stagger back into the game. If they fell over they were binned again! I was official time keeper for the sin bin and some of the 5min penalties or 10 turns for the other teams seemed to last quite a long time. 2 section didn't get many penalties and those they got seemed to fly by! The Boss came and sat next to me and he accused me of cheating, as if I would? Mind you, he was laughing at the time.

We finished the day with a sing song. Dangles is very useful. He played some requests, well, if he knew them, and we all sang as loud as we could which is just as well as I can't sing and they drowned me! My mates reckon I can clear the Karaoke bar quicker than a police raid if I get on the mike. We finished with 'Dancing Queen' and Fingers and I jived while everyone else sang, clapped their hands above their heads and bopped about. I caught sight of the Boss' face and for some reason he didn't look too happy, but maybe he was homesick for his family back home, who were probably having a posh Christmas like the 'Telly Ad' people do and I don't expect his dad would be passed out cold on the bog in the middle of the afternoon.

….

**JANUARY 2014**

We have good days and bad days and boring days on patrol. This started out as a good day. My little friend Bashira dropped her scarf thingy in the market so I picked it up and chased after her to give it back. We were having a nice chat and we played the little game she loves which is called sang chill bassi or something like that and we play it with stones. I always let her win so I can give her some of me mum's sweets as a prize and she is a kid after all and kids love to win. Bella used to have a game like this but hers wasn't stones but shaped thingies with a little ball. Must ask mum if she can find it and send it out so that I can give it to Bashira. Five stones, that's what it's called and I know Bella don't play with it any more. I was teaching Bashira some good east end English when her dad came out and started yelling at her. I don't know what he was saying but I'm guessing it weren't good cos Bashira threw the sweets on the floor and legged it into her house. She looked really scared. Her dad looks like a right dodgy geezer, worse than my dad and that's saying something.

The day turned bad when I heard the Boss's voice on the radio

"_Excuse me, Dawes but when did her Majesty die and make you Queen?_

What?

"_You are not in charge…you do not wander off"…and on and on _

Oh shit, I have obviously pissed him off again. Why does he have to yell at me and why is he so sarky? He doesn't talk to the lads like that, just me. I tried to explain what I was doing but he was using his 'I am important and you are not!' voice and wouldn't listen. What is it with blokes that when they get angry they don't listen? He hadn't finished there, I then got the 'you don't get involved with the locals and you don't put yourself in danger' lecture.

Then he marched off in a huff!

For a start, I am not that involved with the locals, I mean it's not like I'm babysitting for them or doing their shopping or anything, and wasn't this the same bloke who told us to try winning hearts and minds at the start? and how do we do that if we can't get involved? But maybe I'd better not give Bashira the Five Stones, he'd have a fit!

I wasn't in any danger! I know he is a posh bloke and has probably never set foot in East Ham or Stratford, but I grew up there and there are probably more Afghans there than there are in this poxy village not to mention the other people who are from all over the shop. Shit, I went to school with some of them, or I would have done if I'd ever gone to school, so I ain't afraid of them. Alright, there are some I wouldn't get in a lift with on me own, but those sort of blokes can come from anywhere.

And there were ANA all around and they wouldn't let me get hurt or anything.

Sometimes I really, really like him and sometimes I think he likes me, but sometimes, when he is mad at me, he stands right over me to tell me off and he so tall and I am so titchy that he makes me feel like a little bug that he wants to squash with his regulation combat six lace holes. Today is a bug day!

...…..

Smurf's back! I'm not sure how I feel about it cos he is still the same cocky little sod he was before he got shot. He was showing off in front of the lads offering to show me his groin as if he was giving me some sort of treat. Sorry sunshine, I've seen enough of your groin to last a lifetime. Sleazy git! I didn't want to say anything that would remind anyone about Guildford so I said something about how the sniper should have shot him in the head and done us all a favour. The lads all laughed at him so he got the message. I think he was a bit surprised that we all got on when he wasn't here to stir things up, but he's not stupid so he shut up.

Smurf then went to talk to the Boss to say sorry for being a dickhead. The Boss was okay with him, he wasn't angry or anything but he sort of told him that he had to get his act together, then I overheard him tell Smurf that he owed me big time. Course I overheard, I was ear-wigging at the time. While the boss was quite nice to him there was a sort of warning in his voice. I hope Smurf was listening

The Boss got quite excited about some special visitors what are coming, but he wouldn't say who they are. Some-one, I don't know who, suggested that it might be the Royal Ginge and the lads got very excited. Mansfield says his mum reckons he is the dead spit of Harry, we all reckon that Mansfield's mum should have gone to Specsavers. The Boss went off towards the gym so I followed him to try and get him to tell me who it is, but he wouldn't, so I teased him a bit about how hard it is to keep secrets and he laughed at me. He is really fit when he laughs, he should do it more, he looks miles younger. I wonder how old he is? Might just have to look it up in his medical records.

Smurf was showing his bullet hole to the lads who were all gathered round for a gawp, sad tossers.

Smurf came over and was making me a cuppa and got into the 'I will owe you forever' and the 'I'll always be there for you' crap and then got arsey when I pissed meself laughing. The trouble is I reckon he thinks that he is in with a chance, that we have a special bond or something. Dream on mate. As me Nan would say "I'm fed up, not hard up!

I was perving a bit on the Boss as he was doing weights or something and he took off his shirt. God he really is tasty, my eyes kept wandering back over there, it was very hard not to, when Smurf noticed and said something about me liking him or him liking me or something, so I choked him off big time. I have had enough trouble with Smurf and his big trap already, don't need any more.

And anyway, I definitely don't fancy the Boss.

…

Oh yeah Smurf's back alright! He doesn't seem to have learned anything, nothing at all. First of all he thought he could come straight back in and take back his lead man thing as if he hadn't been away and then he started to have a pop at Bashira again, about her being Taliban and that and this time he suckered the boss into his stupid ideas. I thought the Boss had more sense. I thought Bashira looked unhappy so I had a little chat with her. Turns out her dad won't let her go to school cos he is sending her away to get married. For fucks sake, she is eleven, just a kid! I suppose this is what we call at home an arranged marriage. What sort of dad sells his kid to some bloke as a wife, well apart from my dad of course.

I was talking to Bashira when there was gunshots! All the villagers legged it and everyone was shouting and taking cover. Turns out the Taliban have just shot up the school to make sure that the kids don't go back and to make it seem like we are wasting our time here. I hate to admit it, but I think they may be right. I can't see what we are achieving here, but I think I'll keep that to meself. I feel a bit sorry for the boss. He looks worried that this mission is gonna fail, cos we were supposed to be making sure that the kids are going back to school and that doesn't look like it is gonna happen any time soon.

I actually think the boss might have had a point when he had a pop at me the other day for wandering off. If the Taliban can come in and shoot up the school and then leave without any one of us seeing them when we was all patrolling round the village, it makes you wonder dunnit, I might have been in danger after all.

Will probably do a bit more tomorrow but me hand aches now with writing,

Love, Mol x

**Authors notes: This feels as if it is coming together but I am still not sure whether to continue as a diary or make it a series of one shots. Reviews would be wonderful so that I can see what you think, continuous diary?**

**Hope you all had a really lovely Christmas, you are probably all as knackered as I am. I need a holiday to get over it!**


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

Mail call today and as usual the boss was playing silly buggers with it. He is quite fun when he does that. He was teasing me with a letter from Bella and then showing off to everyone with a paddling pool he got from his mum. How old is he? He is actually 28, I looked it up! While he was conning Nude-nut and Baz Vegas into blowing it up and filling it with water, I noticed that that ANA bloke, the one Smurf had a run in with on the first day here, Sohail, was sort of watching us with his arms folded and a strange expression on his face and talking about us to his mates. I asked the boss what it was all about and he said "Dunno, lets find out" so we went to see what it was all about. Sohail is definitely one of them blokes you wouldn't get in a lift with if you were on your own! Not only is he all sweaty and grubby looking, but he stinks a bit, and he has an evil expression on his gob. The boss asked for tea and Sohail offered him a seat and gave him a cup. The boss said lovely, thanks, only he pronounces it 'luvleee' which sounds quite sarky, needless to say, Sohail didn't offer me a seat or a cuppa. Don't have many manners do they, this lot? Bossman asked him to get one for me and he did after a bit of chat about females being allowed to drink tea with blokes, but I wouldn't drink it. The state of his fingernails and I bet the cup wasn't clean either, ugh! The boss asked him if he knew who had shot up the school but Sohail denied knowing anything about it. I don't think I believe him!

We left shortly after that cos I was getting a bit arsey with him about the girls not being allowed to go to school and the boss hoiked me out of there before I could really get going. I know I never went to school but I could of done if I'd wanted, and it weren't cos some sweaty evil looking bloke said I couldn't that I didn't go. Actually if someone like Sohail had said I couldn't go, I probably would have gone just to prove him wrong! We was walking away and I was trapping off about Bashira not standing a chance with blokes like him around, when the boss stopped me and stood over me, not in his bug squashing way, but sort of looking down at me in a nice way and using his really nice voice, and he said that he wanted me 100% by his side. I said I was but he said I couldn't be if I was worrying about one kid. He made me feel a bit weird actually, all sort of butterflies inside. He really does have lovely brown eyes, all sort of chocolately and gooey, and a really sexy voice, so that now I'm shit scared that I might be starting to get a bit of a crush.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Mols, get a grip! What are you like? he's the boss, you muppet!

…

Quaseem and I were chatting as he helped me make a temp. med. centre in a compound near the school and he was telling me about how his wife and daughter got killed by the Taliban. God, that's so awful, and Quaseem is such a lovely bloke. Nasty things shouldn't happen to nice blokes like him, he don't deserve it! I asked him about Bashira being promised and he sort of shrugged and said "Welcome to my country" so I guess it is quite common here. He was telling me about how all he wants is a peaceful Afghan, when there was a bit of shouting and yelling outside, so we went out to see what was occurring. Turns out it was Bashira's mum shouting at the boss cos Bashira had a black eye and lots of blood pouring down her face and her mum said it was my fault and she wanted me to treat it. The boss said no way, said it was against regulations, that she had to go to her own doctor but I persuaded him to let me look at it cos I would feel bad if it was my fault and I wasn't allowed to sort it. He called me a soft fool, well he didn't actually say I was but that was what he meant. I cleaned her up and butterfly stitched it together to hold it for the time being and then asked her whether her dad had hit her and why. Turns out her dad doesn't like her to talk to us, called us Americans, so I told her that we were English and that we were there to keep her safe, to look after the village and to keep the Taliban out of there and away from the mountain. She got a bit agitated and upset and begged me not to go the mountain tomorrow. Sounded like a warning to me and it worried me a bit, but before I could ask her what she meant, Sohail came in and hustled her away, so I couldn't.

…..

Was tidying away me kit and having a bit of a worry about what Bashira said, when Smurf came in. He does a lot of that, just coming into where I am, and hanging about!. I don't hate him or anything, in fact I quite like him as a mate, but I definitely don't want anything more than that and that's why I'm a bit worried about the way he is. I have told him over and over that it ain't going to happen but I don't think he wants to hear it.

I told him about what Bashira told me and he said we had to tell the boss cos there are ANA soldiers up there who might be in danger. The boss didn't want to know at first. He was lying in the paddling pool with no shirt on, what the fuck is he trying to do to me? But then his mystery guests arrived, not the Royal Ginge as it happens, but the Army Music lads and he got very excited. We was still trying to get him to listen to us, and at last he paid attention to what I was trying to tell him. He was not exactly chuffed and seemed more worried about me getting it arse over tit than anything else. Then the Major seemed to be on my side so the boss (Captain 'I don't listen to little squaddies' – where's he been? haven't seen him for a while!) seemed to back down and started agreeing with the Major that it was an opportunity. He told me and Smurf to wait outside while they discussed it and Smurf tried to hold my hand! Choked him off again, but he does worry me!

I was thinking about the way the boss behaves around me. One minute he's just normal, that is sarky and bossy and what have you, the next minute I catch him looking at me, just looking and he doesn't look away when I catch his eye, in fact, he smiles. I don't know what to make of him, all I know is that I am trying very hard not to fancy him! Keep telling meself not to be a muppet.

….

We are going on a night patrol up to the mountain CP so that we can be all organised by dawn. Then, if there is a raid on the CP, no-one will see us arriving or know we are there.

Can't do any more now, have to go and check my kit for this mission,

Love Mols. x

**Authors notes: Know this is a bit shorter but the next entries are quite long and I wanted to split this up a bit. I find watching Molly change her opinions and attitudes fascinating as she begins to doubt things that she has always been certain about. Clever Tony Grounds made it quite subtle. I find watching Captain James is a whole different ball bag (as Molly would say) Thank you so much for the reviews, please keep letting me know what you think, it really helps.**


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

I love these night patrols, they make me feel like a real soldier for some reason. 1.30 in the morning and we were on our way to the mountain CP and it was still hot! How the hell am I gonna manage when we go back home where it is gonna be anything but hot in the middle of the night. The boss did his 'stay focussed, stay alert, stay alive' thingy which is lovely but it's a bit difficult to focus on anything when its pitch black out there and what are we watching out for exactly? Anyway we got to the CP and started to get everything set up, the boss was standing there with his thumbs hooked into his combat jacket all, 'I'm in charge'. I call it his Rambo pose. I know I'm probably being a bit mean, but I'm still really pissed off that he only took me seriously when the Major did, and I'm bloody sure that he still doesn't quite believe it. Oh Jesus, I'm going to look so stupid if he is right and I am wrong!

We hung about out of sight until the sun came up and then everyone was waiting for something to kick off, especially me! I was so sure when I started all this, but now all that is slowly dripping away. What the fuck is he gonna say if we all have to traipse off back to the compound, and what are all the lads gonna say, and more to the point, what am I gonna say to him? I am not sure that 'sorry' will cover it!

I did the water round and chatted to one of the ANA lads. God, he looked about fifteen, if that, and was so proud of his fake Rolex that he had won from a yank! It looked to me like the sort you get down the market for £3.99. He said he was eighteen, but I didn't believe him. I know I'm not that much older than him, but to me he looked like a kid.

We was hanging about waiting for something to happen when I said something to Smurf and the boss about how I wished I could take Bashira home with me and they started ganging up on me and taking the piss. The boss said he thinks that everything is a matter of luck, you know, who we are, who our parents are, where we are born… Bloody hell, he was lucky when someone threw that dice! I bet he comes from somewhere really posh and I bet his mum and dad are really minted! Not like my dad anyway! I said I wouldn't mind living out in the hills in Afghan so they started to take the piss again, said I would need wi-fi and Sky tele, so I joined in and said I would need a Top Shop and a Starbucks round the corner and laughed. The boss laughed at me and I didn't mind one bit! I quite like it when he laughs at me, it feels like we are friends!

He had just told me to "Shut the fuck up" because I was trapping off again about Bashira, when it all started to kick off. Someone, I think it was Eggy, saw people moving about in the compound and store room we was watching and then all hell broke loose. We were firing at them and the insurgents were firing at us, then they set off a rocket grenade thing at us, then the boss called in air support who blew the buggers off the face of the earth. It looked like they was all killed, the lads were really hyped but I think I found it a bit sad. Then we realised that one of them was still alive, so I treated him as a battle casualty, which he was, just not one of ours and we had him medevac'd out of there.

I checked the body bags but Bashira's dad weren't in any of them. I was surprised cos I was sure that he were Taliban and that's how come Bashira knew to warn me. The boss said that I had impressed him (blimey!) and he said it as though he was dead proud of me which gave me the butterflies again. I sort of wish he would stop doing it cos I don't know how to be when I am around him any more when he does that. It's okay when we are taking the piss out of each other, but when he gets all serious looking and looks into my eyes I sort of go to pieces inside, yet I don't really want him to stop. I dunno what to think any more, he's my boss for fucks sake!

At the de-brief the Major said I had done well and might get Mentioned in Despatches for treating the insurgent and saving his life. The boss looked really proud of me, actually I was dead proud of meself!

…..

Then the boss decided to remind everyone that we were the entertainment tomorrow night and that he was going to sing a duet. He said he needed a partner and then he volunteered me! Hello, you'll be sorry, I can't sing, no, I really can't sing! He might have asked if I wanted to do it before he volunteered me then I could have told him that I can't sing! The lads all seemed to know what we are going to sing, but no-one was telling me.

Sitting on the roof of the shitter re-reading Bella's letter tonight and watching the stars on and off when Smurf appeared with a cuppa. He is still hanging about whenever he gets a chance. He was talking about dead bodies and his brother and that, so it was impossible to be too shitty cos I do feel a bit sorry for him. I just don't know how to get the message through to him that we are mates and that's it, nothing more! I told him to sod off after a while then I realised that I was totally knackered what with being up all night and that.

I was making me way off to me pit when the boss called me into his cabin to give me the lyrics to learn. I decided to tell him that I was thinking about Bashira being safe. I know he keeps telling me not to get involved, but she did warn us and give us the heads up to save those lads at the CP. I think we have put her in danger. I can't see her dad being exactly chuffed with her. He was teasing me about it being dangerous when I think and he had a sort of smile in his eyes as he looked at me and smiled. If I didn't know better, I would think he was sort of flirting with me, then he said we would be looking after Bashira and he said it in a gentle sort of way so I felt that she would be safe. He makes me feel safe.

He told me to _"Piss Off, Dawsey", _so I said _"You called me Dawsey, I must be winning you over with my charm and magnetism_" and he laughed but he had a strange expression on his face.

What am I like? Of course he wasn't flirting with me, it's what me Nan would call 'wishful thinking', he's the boss for fucks sake!

….

He woke me up a couple of hours later, came in the tent and shook me awake, but quite gently, to tell me to go to ops tent. At first I thought I had overslept, but if I had, why the hell would the boss be the one to wake me up? God, I think I might have been dreaming about him.

There were a load of people in the ops. tent even though it was 2.00 in the morning cos they had been listening to Bashira's dad with the listening thingy and they had decided he was Taliban after all and dangerous. We were going to mount a raid on her house in the morning and the Afghan social services were going to take her away from her dad to a safe house in Kabul. Oh God, I never meant for her to end up in 'in care' or whatever they call it in Afghan.

The raid was scheduled for first thing so we were all in the village before the place got to be bustling as it does later on in the day and I was supposed to ID her dad and then the ANA were going to lift him while social services grabbed Bashira. Needless to say it all went bloody pear shaped! We got into her house and it was empty. I immediately started to panic. What the hell had they done with her? I started shouting at the boss for answers but he didn't know any more than I did. Then the lads ID'd her but immediately started saying that something was wrong, the locals were afraid and were all rushing off as fast as they could. I ran to the village centre yelling "Where? Where? Where?" with the boss running fast on my heels. She was standing in the middle of the square and it was obvious that she was wearing a suicide belt. Everyone, and I mean everyone, started yelling and screaming at her to stand still and to lift her arms and they were all pointing guns at her at the same time. These were grown men and a little girl wired up as a bomb who was scared shitless and they thought that the best way to deal with this was to yell at her?

I took off me helmet and body armour and started to walk towards her. Then they all started yelling at me but I shouted back to let me deal with it, they were scaring her. I needed to make sure that she was okay, this was all my fault. I could hear panic in the boss' voice, I haven't heard that panic in his voice since I got on the winch when Smurf was shot. He was flinging orders around about blocking radio signals and getting bomb disposal, and then Quaseem, who was listening on the earphone thingy, was saying that they were trying to detonate the bomb. Oh good! I don't know why they were throwing a fit, it was me that was going to get blown up, not them! I was talking away to Bashira trying to keep her calm and still. I was smiling at her to convince her that it was no big deal, while we waited for Darth Vader to turn up and get the bomb off her As soon as the bomb bloke had got the vest off, Social Services grabbed her and legged it back to a truck then pissed off out of it. The boss was yelling at me to move. What? Did he really think I was just going to stand there while someone came along and collected the bomb? Less than a minute later the bloody thing exploded showering everyone with dust and stones and shit and it was a hell of a big bang! I was well out of it when it exploded so I was fine, but the boss looked shattered. I wanted to hug him and say it was all okay now, but for fucks sake he's the boss!

….

The boss got some muck in his eye from the explosion so we went to the temp. med. centre so I could wash it out. As I was washing his eye with saline drops, I could feel that he was trembling slightly and breathing a bit faster than usual, but then I have never stood that close to him before, so I don't know what's normal for him. Maybe he always has the shakes? When I had finished washing his eye out I moved away slightly and saw his hand twitch as though he was going to hold onto me to stop me moving away. He didn't, more's the pity! I know he's the boss and that, and I know he is way out my league, but I really do have a huge crush on him, I fancy him something rotten. I asked him about where they had taken Bashira and he said he didn't know or care and that he didn't get 'emotionally involved'. I don't believe a word of that. We talked about Lady Luck being on our side to stop Bashira being red-misted, and he said "And you, Dawes, I would never have forgiven myself". He was looking into me eyes as he said it and just for a minute I wondered if he was feeling the same way as me. Then Kinders arrived and the moment was gone, but I can't help wondering… Oh for fuck's sake, how many more times? He's the boss!

Got to go and rehearse me singing masterpiece now. They'll be sooorrrrry! Gonna try and tart meself up a bit as well so I can take their minds off my crap singing.

Love Mols x

**Authors notes: Thank you for all the lovely reviews. If you can bear to, please let me know how you feel it's going. I am really enjoying this as we are now getting to the lovely bits. It's been suggested that I try and do a companion piece to this, on Charles' thoughts and feelings at the same events. Not a diary as that has been done by the Klip Doctor and he is the master. What do you think? Worth a shot?**


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary

Did me star turn last night. I told them, I told them before we started rehearsing that I can't sing! The boss, bless him, thought I was having one of me 'I'm so stupid' attacks, and kept poo pooing what I was saying, saying things like, "_Come on, you'll be fine" _and "_Don't be silly"" _so I shrugged me shoulders at Dangles, he was on the keyboard, who winked at me (he's heard me sing) and we murdered "Don't go breaking my heart", or at least I did, he's actually quite good. It went very quiet when we finished the run-through! I suddenly saw the funny side of the boss not knowing what to say, he obviously couldn't lie and say I were any good and he didn't want to hurt my feelings and say I were crap, so he just stood there looking awkward until I started pissing meself laughing and Dangles joined in. I saw the boss' lips twitching as he tried really hard to be a gentleman and not laugh at me. Eventually he couldn't help it and started laughing like a drain. When he could speak again, he said "_Sorry, Dawes"_ so I said "_What for? I told you I can't sing"_ and started cracking up again. I really enjoyed making him laugh like that although its a good job I don't get the hump when people laugh at me. Dangles pointed out that I sound better than Mansfield and that I look a hell of a lot better as well, and the boss said _"Well, there is that I suppose_" and started to laugh again. I wanted to ask him if he was talking about how I sound or what I look like. I might have done if Dangles hadn't been there. Hello, I don't think so, he's the boss for fuck's sake, why do I keep forgetting that?

Then he said "_Come on, let's just go out there and enjoy ourselves"_ so I said I wanted to go and get ready and they both nodded. I left and I bet you any money you like they had another good go at pissing themselves, but I intend to do me best to knock their socks off, well, his anyway, so I stayed out of the way until it was time to kill Elton John's best song! I washed me hair and brushed it until it was shiny and left it loose, then put on one them new vest tops that mum sent me for Christmas, the black one which is very tight and low cut. I had no choice but to wear it with me combats, but it did look quite sexy, and I put some slap on, eye make-up and lipstick and that. For the first time in months I looked like me, so I did me little "welcome back, Mols, where've you been hiding yourself?" speech to meself and then went out to face me audience, poor sods.

It worked a treat, his face was a picture! All the other lads were whooping and hollering me name as well, I don't think they noticed that I can't sing, but I weren't really bothered about them, I just wanted to knock his socks off and I did. He didn't take his eyes off me once and he didn't stop smiling at me the whole time we was on that stage and he kept winking at me, it was magic! I know I was grinning as well cos I was enjoying the whole thing almost as much as he was! He really can sing, and I really can't, but I don't think it mattered, we really did just enjoy ourselves! I would have loved to hug him or even kiss him, on the cheek, I wouldn't have the guts to do anything else, after we had finished singing, but I chickened out. Actually, I think he might have liked it, or is that more of Nan's wishful thinking? God I fancy him.

…

He has got quite friendly since we sang together and spends a fair bit of time in the evenings just chatting and laughing with me, which is nice on the one hand, but often I don't know what to say cos I have got this massive crush on him and it won't go away. It makes me feel awkward sometimes cos I'm scared he is gonna notice. He told me tonight that I am going home on R&R at the end of next week. I think he expected me to be pleased but I'm not cos ever since I had that bit of bother with dad it don't really feel like home anymore. I wanted to change the subject so I asked him where he lived and he told me that he lives in Bath with his mum and dad, so no girlfriend on the scene then? Although what difference that would make to me I have no idea. I asked him where he went to school and he told me that he was sent to boarding school when he was eight and stayed there till he was 18. I couldn't help it, I said

"_8? Bloody hell, didn't you miss your mum? I would have done if mine had got shot of me when I was 8!"_

"_She didn't get shot of me, and they had no choice because they were travelling all over the place, and I had to go to school and I really missed my mum and my dad. You said you would have missed your mum, but wouldn't you have missed your dad as well?"_

"_Like a bleeding hole in me head, so, no, no chance"_

I tried to make my voice sound as though I really didn't want to talk about this anymore, which I didn't, and I think it worked. I was just wracking me brains for something else to talk about when he rescued me by talking about the Herrick Olympics which is in a couple of days. I am doing the last leg of the obstacle course, God help me!

I could see Smurf wandering backwards and forwards across the square giving us the evil each time he walked past, sorry and all that Smurf, but you really are a dick!

…

**February 2014**

Had the Olympics this morning and I only went and won the last leg for the team, well, with a little bit of help from me friends! I am not suggesting we cheated, or nothing, well only a very little bit, cos I got me foot trapped in the cargo net and Smurf came and untangled me then Nude-Nut carried me in a fireman's lift over the line. We was all celebrating so I didn't hear if the other teams were moaning!

Smurf has got R&R at the same time as me, and Smurf being Smurf got all cocky about how lucky I was to be travelling with him. Yeah right! Then, of course, he was offering to book a place on the 'Mile High Club' What a dickhead. Why can't he get it through his thick nut that I don't fancy him? I know he has got some bollocks in his head about me saving his life meaning that we have a special bond or something, but it ain't happening! I think a lot of it is to do with him trying to show off to the rest of the lads that he has got something going on with me. Well he hasn't and he never will have and I wish he would just give it a rest. He is a mate and I quite like him as a mate, but that's it.

The boss was cheering me and had a big grin on his face when I finished and I got this cardboard cup, which was covered in gold wrapping paper, as a sort of trophy and for a minute there, I was happy and not dreading the R&R.

…

Going on R&R today. I didn't want to go at all. Okay, so it'll be nice to see Mum and Nan and the little bleeders, but I didn't want to leave here and definitely not for two whole weeks!

I was having me coco-pops this morning when I saw that horrible bloke Sohail watching me. Ugh, he's creepy. I hate the way he looks at me and then says something to one of his mates and then looks at me again as if he is talking about me. I wouldn't get in a lift with him for a million quid! I was eating me breakfast when this hand came over and stuck a spoon in the bowl and nicked some of me coco pops. I honestly thought it was Sohail pushing his luck so I yelled "_Oi."_ I was just about to get up and knee him in the groin when I saw it was the boss who was stealing me breakfast.

"_Sorry Boss, I thought you were Sohail" _ How insulting can you get without even trying? He doesn't smell a bit like minging Sohail who smells rank, he smells lovely, all clean.

Lucky he didn't seem to get the hump or to see me starting to blush as he asked whether that meant that I wouldn't share me breakfast with Sohail. Hello, not on your life, sunshine, I'd have to disinfect me bowl afterwards and I'd never be able to eat coco pops again, ugh, so I said something about him not being welcome to put his spoon in me bowl. The boss said "_I take it that's not meant to be a euphemism, Dawes_" and I realised what I'd said, especially as he had just put his spoon in me bowl! How embarrassing! I played dumb and pretended I didn't know what a euphemism was and that if I did know, I'd be able to tell him! God, was he flirting with me? Or was that more of that bloody wishful thinking! He nicked some more of me coco-pops and dropped a bit on his combats, a canteen medal as me Nan would say, and we had just started to laugh when Azizi called him and he got up to go and talk to him. Bugger I had been enjoying that!

Apparently there was a problem at the mountain CP and it might have been serious cos the ASF helicopter had just arrived. Obviously I didn't want anything bad to have happened up there, but Kinders said that it might mean my R&R going down the shitter, and I remember thinking oh please, pretty please…

Will carry on with this on the plane home, it will save me having to talk to Smurf for fourteen hours, fourteen hours with Smurf, oh holy fuck!

Love Mols x

…

**Authors notes: Thought this was an appropriate place to pause this because it is such fun to write and the next chapter is obviously going to be a bit of a focal point. Thanks for all your reviews and lovely comments, please keep them coming as they keep me going. Happy New Year to everyone, and when exactly are the BBC going to get their act together? **


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary

When I started to write this it was so I could have something to remind me about stuff when I got home and it was something to do in the evenings, now I feel like I am writing letters to me best mate and that I can tell you things I can't tell anyone else. Here I am on a bloody transport plane back to the U.K. with Smurf as company, lucky me. I have never been on an ordinary plane, but I bet Virgin is a bit more comfy than this, cos this is bloody awful! No proper seats, no proper anything and bloody noisy as well.

I am all over the shop today. I really don't know what to think. I know what I want, I know what I feel, but I don't know what to think cos I really don't have a scooby as to what happened and what it meant!

I were really sorry that I ever thought I would be pleased if something at the CP meant that I didn't have to go on R&R. When we had walked all the way up there it was all quiet, really creepy. So the Boss sent the Afghans up from the river bed where we were walking to check on the lads and Kinders told us all to be ready for an ambush. That was a bit scarey! Then the Afghans started yelling _'medic' 'medic' 'medic'_ so we all started scrambling up the path to the CP and someone had killed them! All four of them! Shot them! There didn't look like there'd been like a gun battle, just someone, or more likely, a group of someones had got into the Check Point and killed them all! Why? What the hell for? They wasn't doing any harm to anyone, just guarding a poxy little road which leads to a poxy little village in the middle of nowhere. One of them was my mate Rolex boy. He was so proud of his tacky market watch and now he's dead! Why? Not only had he never done anything to anyone, he was just a kid, eighteen my arse! So, all that crap with Bashira's dad and her warning me about the raid at the CP and that, was all for nothing and her being turned into a suicide bomber was for nothing, they died anyway, so what was the point? And R&R wasn't even cancelled!

I wanted to go home and never have to set foot in this poxy place again. Too many people are dying for nothing, I hate it here now. Trouble is the lads are my family now. We all look out for each other, laugh and joke and take the piss but also try and cheer each other up or be kind when someone's a bit pissed off or tired or lonely. If I went home I wouldn't have them anymore, and I wouldn't half miss them, not that I think I would be allowed to just say _"Sorry, I've had a basinful of this, I'd just like to piss off home now, if that's okay with you Boss?"_ and that's the other problem with going home, the Boss!

I think he knew how I felt when we got back to the compound. I had a shower, such as they are, and washed me hair, not that it ever feels really clean here cos there isn't enough water to rinse it properly and there is so much dust and sand blowing about that me hair is always full of it. Be good to get home to wash me hair properly if nothing else. Anyway I hadn't really got dressed properly, just in my sleep shorts which are so short they look like knickers and the red top mum sent me which shows all me bra. I was rubbing me hair dry when he made me jump out of me skin cos I were miles away. I don't know how long he had been standing there before he spoke to me, but he looked really awkward, as if he didn't know where to look. Not surprised. I was wearing next to nothing!

He said he had come to tell me when we were off on R&R but I didn't really believe him. He could see I were upset cos he asked me what was the matter but I think he knew and I think that's what he had come to talk to me about. I told him that I was upset about Rolex boy and Bashira and as he was in his "I'm being kind mood" he did his best to make me feel better about things and told me to stop worrying so much and just do the job I'm good at! God, he's changed his tune, hasn't he? Then he asked me if I would do him a favour while I'm in London. He thought he had to ask? I would do anything for him as long as he smiled at me like that, and I mean anything! I really don't want to go home right now. What am I like, keep changing me mind like this, but he is gorgeous. Yes, Molly and he's the boss!

He wanted me to get him some of his poncy nespresso coffee capsules from the shop in Regent Street so he got a magic marker and took hold of me wrist and wrote the name of it, Rosabaya, up me arm so that I wouldn't forget the name. Then he said he would adore me for always! I could feel me face going all sort of smiley and soppy as I asked him whether he meant for always, I didn't know what else to say. He didn't answer, and his face was all smiley he just kept hold of me hand and started stroking it as he turned me insides into a complete mass of butterflies. We wound our fingers round each other as he said "_Come back to me"_ and I just kept looking into his gooey eyes and promised _"I will…..Don't worry_". I really had no idea what was happening, but I knew I didn't want it to stop. I don't know how long we was holding hands but all I kept thinking was "_kiss me kiss me kiss me" _ I'm not sure what would have happened if bloody Kinders hadn't yelled for him from just outside the door, but it sort of made him jump up as though he had been shot and we stood and looked at each other as though I were standing to attention and he was giving an order. He almost ran out of the med tent but I know that I was thinking just try and stop me coming back to you! If you knew how much I fancy you, you wouldn't need to ask. I have to keep reminding myself that he is the boss, although it didn't feel much like he was me boss to me when he was holding me hand and looking at me like that and I'm bloody sure he didn't feel like me boss either. I have no clue what is gonna happen next, one minute I think he really likes me, then the next I'm not sure if its wishful thinking again, but I definitely don't wanna go home, I fancy him so much that just to see him in the morning makes me day, how am I gonna manage for two whole bloody weeks especially when it feels like he might have feelings for me!

Smurf and I were on our way out to the helicopter and the lads were all round us pestering and yammering with their shopping lists when Smurf got full of himself as usual, screaming that 'we was going on our holidays ' and giving them two fingers. Actually, '_we_' ain't going anywhere together, mate, we are travelling on the same bleeding plane, that's all! I wish he would stop trying to make us seem like some sort of couple, there is only one person I want to be with like that and it ain't Smurf!

He was waiting by the gates to say goodbye and I noticed that Sohail was missing from his usual spot so I asked where he was. The Boss told me he'd gone AWOL and Smurf immediately went into his 'Kill the fuckers' rant saying he should have shot him on day one. Haven't we had enough dead bodies for one day? The Boss put Smurf back in his box and told us to go, so Smurf ran to the chopper shouting at the lads, but I couldn't. I got half way out when I just couldn't go any further. I just can't go, I never wanted to go in the first place and even less now! I didn't want to leave him cos I'm scared something will happen to him while I am thousands of miles away and can't look after him or the other lads. I mean I know Jackie's good, but she ain't me and she don't love him like I do! He said I had to go, that it was an order and anyway he needed his bloody coffee, but I could see that it was killing him as much as it was me so maybe he does like me like that, I wish I knew for sure.

So here we are on our way back home, only Afghan feels more like my home now, it's where he is, and I have already had to do a major choking off job on Smurf. This time it was all about meeting each other's families, WHAT? Sounds like he thinks we are going to get married or something! Not in my lifetime, tosser! So then he decides to touch me hair so I had to threaten to break his arm if he touches me again and if he don't believe me, watch this space!

Am gonna try and get some kip now cos we've got long way to go and I don't wanna talk to 'you know who',

Love, Mols, xx

**Authors notes: I was trying to capture the confusion in her mind as he keeps blowing hot and cold bearing in mind that she is now nuts about him. Please let me know if you think that it worked. When I am pouring out my thoughts, or my drivel as my hubbie calls it, I need feedback to let me know if I have managed to get on the right wavelength with other people, or even if other people are reading it and enjoying it, so I am so grateful for your reviews. Thanks for being kind.**


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Diary,

Got back to Brize about 2 hours ago. I tried to sleep a bit because I wanted to shut me eyes and think about him, about the way he looked when I left, the look on his face and what it meant, but every time I closed me eyes I kept seeing Rolex boy with all the bullet holes, blood and flies and that, so after a while I gave up trying to sleep and tried to daydream instead, but Smurf kept talking to me so that wasn't much good either! I find Smurf easier to take when he hasn't got an audience to show off to, he's quite a sweet bloke when he's been on his own for a while, could be a good mate, but I just don't fancy him at all and he's finding that hard to understand cos he seems to think that if he carries on at me enough I'll change my mind about him. Like that's going to happen!

I keep wondering if he is missing me like I am missing him, can't help it! I do wish I knew how he feels about me. I think he really likes me, even fancies me a bit, but I'm still scared that that is wishful thinking. Two weeks is such a bloody long time!

Smurf's mum, Candy, was waiting for him at Brize and she gave me a lift back to London, or at least to a petrol station when I lied and said I knew where I was and would get a tube from there. I really wanted to get away and be on me own for a bit. She seems like a really nice lady, but she was quite emotional with Smurf and he got a bit irritated with her, in fact after I hopped out of her car he really lost it, haven't got scooby what that was all about!

It was lovely to see everyone, Mum, Nan and the kids, even Dad, but now I've seen them, what next? I was right, it was lovely to wash me hair properly, have it all clean and shiny, and to look at his writing on me arm when I was in the shower. He's got lovely writing, I suppose that's what you get if you go to a posh school. I wonder what he'd think if he saw my writing, even I can't read it sometimes! Mum seems to have lost the plot completely and has got really friendly with some weirdo called Shazza. It is causing masses of trouble at home, or rather she is, cos she is interfering with everything and seems to be coming between Mum and Dad. I know Dad is a tosser and a waste of space, but Mum has always put up with him and made excuses for him and suddenly there is this horrible atmosphere between them. It's doing me head in! The weirdo apologised to me for what I was having to go through out in Afghan. WHAT?

I keep watching the tele news with me fingers crossed cos I am shit-scared I am going to hear that something bad has happened while I am not there and I can't stand not knowing whether they are all okay, especially him. I have a picture of Bashira on my phone, I wish I had a picture of him, although I am not sure how I could have got him to pose or even to stand still long enough for me to take it without him noticing. I miss him!

I spoke to Smurf and he is feeling as lonely for the lads and the FOB as I am so I went to Newport so that we could hang out for a bit. He understands how I feel, well not all of how I feel, obviously, but a bit. He took me to the place where Geraint's ashes were scattered and it was quite nice by the water and that, and it's the place where Dylan Thomas, some Welsh poet geezer, lived. Then Smurf told me that the boss was here and that he loves Dylan Thomas so it was suddenly much more interesting! We had a little chat about the boss and how we hate being home when the others are still out there. I have gotta be careful as I keep wanting to talk about him and Smurf ain't stupid, he'll notice. Smurf has decided that we are a match made in heaven and it is fate that we met up again after Guildford, I have no idea where he is getting all this bollocks from, not from me that's for sure. He came back to London with me and we did some of the touristy things, went up on the Eye and that. He wants me to go to Vegas with him, dressed up as a floozy, as Nan would say, and put all his deployment money on a roulette wheel! I am beginning to think he's a nut job, but I made one of them promises that you do, you know when people say we must get off to Benidorm next summer and you say 'Yeah that'll be great' without meaning it at all! I don't want to hurt him but I really don't know how to get through his thick nut that we are mates, nothing more than that!

I got the coffee capsules this morning, bloody hell what a posh shop and all for coffee!

I was beginning to think that today would never get here, two weeks has felt like forever. I don't know what to expect when I see him and I know I mustn't get too worked up but it's really hard not to, I have missed him so much!. He ain't gonna grab me for a full on snog, no matter how much I wish he would! There you go again, Mols, you don't even know if he wants to snog you, but oh God, I hope he does cos I'm not sure what I'll do if I've got this arse about tit!

I don't know what happened!

Well I do, but I am finding it very hard not to cry, two weeks longing to see him and five minutes after I get back it all goes to shit!

When we got back the lads were all buzzing about us looking for their shopping, hugging us and that, really pleased to see us and filling us in that we are going back to Bastion, when all I wanted was to see his face and smile at him to let him know how glad I was to be back and how much I had missed him. He came eventually and looked as if he felt a bit awkward, almost as if he had come over all shy when he saw me. I could feel all me excitement draining away. Was it all wishful thinking again? Did I imagine what went on in the med. tent before I left? I dunno.

I was doing the handover in the med. tent with Jackie and we was laughing about what a moron Mansfield can be when the boss came in. Jackie left and we was on our own and I really thought everything was going to be okay. I actually think he was struggling a bit to know what to say to me but we was getting there and we had started to smile at each other. I was telling him how glad I was to be back and hoping that he had worked out that I meant I was glad to be back with him when Kinders cocked it up for me again! He just barged into the tent trapping off about me going to Newport to be with Smurf and asking how much of a shit hole it was. The boss just said "_You went to Newport?"_ and he pulled this face that said he was really upset and mad about it and left! Then Nude-Nut and Baz came in singing th song about me and Smurf and I really saw red. What has that wanker been saying now?

He says he didn't say anything happened what didn't happen, but I don't believe him. He is such a mouthy little git and he loves all the fuss he gets when he shows off making out we have a thing going. I think he's got carried away again! I gave him a real bollocking saying that I didn't want to go out with him, that he was my mate, why couldn't he just be my mate? Then he said he loves me! WHAT? No, he doesn't and I sure as hell don't love him, in fact, at the moment, I bloody hate him, I wish he would just leave me alone! I tried to tell the boss that we only hung out, but he didn't want to listen, he never does listen when he gets mad, in fact, he said _"What are you telling me for?"_ and I wanted to answer "_Because I love you, you numptie and you're mad at me for something I didn't do, that's why I'm telling you"_ but I couldn't. I will put his bloody coffee on his pillow in a minute so that when he sees it he might just remember what he said when he asked me to get it. Actually I'm pretty sure he is jealous of 'me and Smurf', except there is no 'me and Smurf ' to be jealous of. I just have to get that through to him. I can't see any other reason for him going off on one like this, God, I do hope I'm right, I love him!

We left for Bastion this morning and he's still not talking to me or even looking at me, apart from when we were getting on the carrier and he gave me this really miserable face. Actually I don't think mine is much happier, so we are sitting in this troop carrier on opposite sides and he won't look at me. How the hell am I going to be able to sort this out at Bastion where there won't be anywhere where we can talk without other people being around? It looks like this is the end.

Well that was one way of sorting it out! May have been a bit drastic and I don't think I would tell me mum what I did, but what the hell, it worked! We was trundling along in the carrier, hot, dusty, smelly with loads of crap singing and being bleeding uncomfortable when we suddenly screeched to a stop. There was something in the road, looked like a body covered with a sheet, more than likely mined or booby trapped, so the Boss was forced to look at me properly for the first time today and I tried to tell him how I felt with me eyes, bloody silly thing to do when we was about to investigate something really iffy, but I couldn't help it, I want him to know how I feel. I hope he cares otherwise I have no idea why he is blanking me like this! We got out on the road and he was carrying the mine thingy and he told me to wait out until he called me. Well I did wait for a couple of minutes then I suddenly realised that he could get blown to bits any minute and I hadn't told him how I feel about him and I couldn't bear that, so I ran up behind him. He wasn't best pleased and asked me if I had a death wish and I told him that I wanted "quality time" with him. I don't think he has had heard that before, but where I come from "quality time" means spending time with someone you care about when everything is shit, so the 'quality' bit is a bit sarky! He asked me if it was worth risking me neck for so I told him that he was wrong about Smurf and that the one good thing was that him getting so iffy and jealous had told me that he cared about me, that he wasn't out of me league. Then I said I was fond of him and I wanted him to know in case we got blown to smithereens. I wanted to say that I loved him but I didn't quite have the guts. He said we had to wait until we got home to talk about it cos it was against regulations or some such bollocks. The closer we got to the sheet the more scared I got so in the end I asked him if he loved me, I wanted to hear him say it if I was going to die. He looked at me but didn't answer me cos the bloke under the sheet grabbed the mine thingy. The boss pulled the sheet off and it was Sohail, but God, the state of him! I know I can't stand the bloke but bloody hell, someone had beaten him to a pulp with rocks then left him out here to die. He said it was the Taliban cos he refused to do something so I did me best to keep him alive until the MERT arrived, which I did, just.

Sohail is not gonna make it, I mean it would take a miracle and there aren't enough of them around. The boss asked him why they'd beaten him and he said it was because he wouldn't kill someone. Turns out he was meant to kill me! Oh bloody hell, I knew he didn't like me, I mean I don't like him, but kill me? Apparently It was to do with Bashira's dad. Suppose I should be glad he said no but now he's gonna die because of me. The tears were starting to run down me face and the boss came and stood over me and wiped me tears away with his thumbs then bent his head and put his forehead against mine. He never said that he loved me but I know he does, the same as he knows I love him. We can't talk about it here cos there are too many ear-wiggers, not to mention sick people in beds, so he whispered _"We'll talk tomorrow_" How the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight, especially as I am stuck in with the lads again?

We did PT this morning as if Sohail's death hadn't happened. The boss did his usual 'sod off, have a shower and some scoff, and then said "_Dawes, in my office in an hour, we need to finish the After Action report."_ Kinders very kindly said that he would be there as well, he would! why doesn't he just bog off? he's always in the way! The Boss pretended to think about it before he told Kinders that it was all straightforward and that he didn't need him. Nice one Boss! I had a shower but I couldn't eat, far too many butterflies, so I am sitting here on me pit killing time…...

**Authors notes: Decided not to concentrate too much on the R&R as I think most of us enjoy them being together more (or at least I do). I could be wrong so I hope I'm not upsetting anyone.**

**As you can see I have added the bit that I felt was missing from episode 3, that is the "waiting out" chat, but have decided to open the next chapter with it, as I was merrily bashing away when I realised just how long this chapter was getting. It was becoming more like a book than a chapter.**

**Its very easy to start feeling that you are the only one reading what you write, so thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to send such lovely reviews, they mean the world to me abnd keep me going.**


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Diary,

I am killing time and trying to keep busy writing this cos I'm so nervous I can't sit still. I was so sure last night that he wanted to say that he loved me, that that was what his thumbs wiping away my tears were telling me, and when he put his forehead on mine, but now I am not so sure. He's a lovely bloke and he knew that I was really upset about Sohail, so maybe he was just being a gentleman, after all I had made a complete tit of meself when we was walking towards that sheet. I ain't exactly known for me judgement where blokes are concerned, I have kissed a lot of Mr. Wrongs, even been to bed with some of them, and been engaged to Mr Complete Tosser, so what do I know?

Jesus, Fingers just peered over my shoulder and tried to see what I was writing. God, there is nowhere private in this place at all! At least at the FOB I could vanish to the med tent to get away from them, but not here, so how the hell am I going to survive for another month? I told him I was writing 'Fitness to serve' reports on all of them and if he wasn't careful I would mark him down as 'no bleeding use to anyone'. I think he actually believed me, wanker! It does mean that I'll have to find another place to hide this in case they go looking, cos if they find it they'll pin the pages up on the walls of the shitter for everyone to read. The med Bergen will have to do.

When it was time, well, I might have been a few minutes early, okay, quite a bit early as it happens, I went to the Boss' quarters. I was absolutely shitting meself, me mouth was totally dry and I was trembling inside. He was sitting at his desk, God he's gorgeous, and he patted the seat next to him so that I would sit down. ActualIy, I would have preferred to sit on his lap, but I had the feeling that that was out of the question, so I sat and looked at him and he looked at me and inside I was screaming 'say something, just say something'.

I couldn't hack the silence so I started to say that I was sorry for what I had said yesterday and that I knew that I had been stupid but that I had been a bit upset. He interrupted me to ask what bit of what I said yesterday was I was sorry for, because he wasn't sorry about anything I'd said. He said he knew he had upset me by being a complete dick over Smurf and that he was really sorry, that he had been jealous because it had seemed like his worst nightmare had come true. I shook me head at him, then it went quiet again as we smiled at each other, I seemed to be having trouble breathing, I had far too much breath, and my heart was pounding so hard I could hear it as I waited for him to say something else. When he did, it wasn't quite what I expected. He asked me if I had slept okay.

What?

I told him it was difficult sleeping in the same tent as the lads even though I had got used to it at the FOB, as they do stink a bit and have some very manky habits at night, well some of them do, and he pulled a face. He said he was sorry that there was no space in the female quarters and then he smiled at me and said that if I couldn't share with him he would rather I was with the girls than the lads, so he would do his best to get me shifted as soon as he could. I wasn't sure I had heard him right to start with but I think I did. My immediate thought was _"Ask me to share with you, then"_ Yeah right, like that's gonna happen! He said that he was worried about whether I had been able sleep at all after all the upset and that he had been awake at stupid o'clock this morning thinking about me and what went down yesterday. Actually I hadn't noticed he was that concerned about whether I was tired or not when he had us pounding round the compound at 5.30 this morning, but he does have a funny way of showing things sometimes!

He said that there was a hell of a lot he wanted to say and do and how he wasn't allowed to say, or do, anything while we were still here. He said that he was sure that I knew how he felt about me. I wanted to say, well, actually no I don't, not for sure, so I tell you what, you tell me all about it so that I can be sure I've got it right, but I think that it was more that I wanted to hear him say it than anything else, and I knew that that was one of things he wasn't allowed to say so I shut up. He said that he wanted to ask me if I would wait out until we got back to the U.K. to sort everything out between us and he sounded like he was really nervous and that he had been rehearsing what to say, a bit like I do sometimes, and he had this really worried expression on his face as he said _"Will you wait out, Molly?"_ I smiled at him as I said _"Course I will_", thrilled as much from him calling me Molly as anything else, and anyway there was never any doubt I would wait for him. I gave him a huge smile and asked if a hug was out of the question cos I promised not to tell anyone if he didn't!

He said _"Please don't smile at me like that, it is hard enough already without you making it any harder_" and I honestly don't think he had the first idea of what he had just said.

I arched me eyebrows and said _"Boss?"_ like it was a question and smirked at him. Then he realised what he had just said and he went scarlet.

He said "P_iss off, go on, get out of here_" and he was laughing and I was laughing and I asked him about doing the after action thingy and he saidhe would be able to concentrate much better if I wasn't there, Cheeky bugger! I took me time about leaving, didn't see why I should rush, and then, when I had opened the door, I turned round and said "Oh Boss, just one more thing" he raised his eyebrows like he was asking a question, and I blew him a kiss then closed the door and left. I could hear him laughing as I walked away. I am so happy!

I have worked out that it is 26 days before we get to Cyprus, then another 2 days before we get back to Brize, that's 28, and when we get back I don't suppose he will be up for a full-on snog on the tarmac any more than he was at the FOB, so that'll be a few more. Fucking hell, that's about a month!

This is going to feel like a lifetime!

Need to go and find somewhere to hide this now so will write again soon,

Love Mols x

**Authors notes: I know this is fairly short, but I thought I would leave Molly in her happy bubble before things start to get complicated for her again. Thanks for all the lovely reviews, hope you enjoy this, please let me know. This section is included in the next Chapter of "Its just a crush" which is almost ready, because I wasn't sure there was enough material from his p.o.v. to do a full "one shot"**


	8. Chapter 8

**March 2014**

Dear diary,

What a muppet I am! I believed every word he said or rather he didn't say, cos he never actually said anything, when I was in his office the day after Sohail died, now I've had to look at me letter to you to remind meself of what went down, it's as if nothing ever happened at all. I thought 'waiting out' meant that we had agreed that we loved each other, or at least that we cared about each other cos he never said he loved me, but that we weren't gonna jump into bed or nothing until we got home, but it looks like I got that wrong, big time! Looks like 'waiting out' means that we are gonna walk around this bleeding horrible place practically ignoring each other, not even smiling, especially not sharing that special smile we had at the FOB, behaving like we hardly know one another and that I mean no more to him than Baz or Mansfield or any of the others do. In fact Mansfield, seems to mean more, he takes the piss out of Mansfield, and that 'waiting out' means that then we were maybe gonna meet up when we got home for a quick shag!

Ever since I met him, it's like I've been playing that game kids play with daisies, you know the one, pulling the petals off one by one, saying 'he loves me, he loves me not' and I thought I'd got to the last petal, but seems I got that wrong….. again! I really thought he could be Mr. Right, you know, he made me feel safe and sort of precious, but I should have known better cos how many times have I thought I'd met Mr. Right only for him to turn out to be Mr. Completely Wrong, I just thought he was different.

Maybe I should have jumped him that morning, I can usually tell when some bloke wants me, and he wanted me big time, so it would have been very easy to seduce him, but then what? It would probably have turned into another one night stand like with Smurf only without the excuse of being pissed. And he's the boss and I'd have to see him every day and I never loved Smurf but I do love him so it's probably best that I didn't sleep with him cos how much worse would I feel than I do now? It's me own fault, what on earth would a posh and drop dead gorgeous bloke like him see in some tatty east end bird like me, that's apart from the obvious of course.

Sorry about being such a miserable cow yesterday, better today! Saw him this afternoon crossing the square and for once we was both on our own. I nodded at him and went to walk past, but he stopped me and asked me if I was okay. He was using his very soft sexy voice what makes the butterflies pitch up in me tummy. I shrugged cos I didn't know what to say, I mean what the fuck did he want me to say, did he want me to lie?

He said he was finding it a bloody nightmare and that he hadn't expected it to be so difficult, then he said that he'd wanted to say 'hard', but he didn't want me to laugh at him again. After that he didn't give me a chance to say anything at all before he went on about how he was wondering if we could, perhaps, get away from other people for a bit of 'quality time' together when we are in Cyprus, maybe go for a long walk or something, that he missed talking to me, and what did I think? He smirked when he said quality time and stayed smirking when I said I thought other people might notice and beamed at him as I called him Sir. He almost called me Molly as he told me not to call him Sir, and then said that he didn't give a flying fuck whether other people noticed or not, cos by the time we leave Cyprus I would be almost out of his duty of care! I told him that he was being paged cos I could hear Kinders calling him, and he rolled his eyes and asked if it was his chaperone calling, then shouted _"Coming Corporal_" and winked at me.

It took the rest of the afternoon to wipe the smirk off me face. 21 days to go till Cyprus.

10k run this evening with him, and Kinders actually, though he just does as he's told, sitting in the back of a Land Rover looking bloody attractive and yelling at us to go faster and to make more effort. This is the bloke what used to join in with the runs and P T sessions not a Rupert who sits there with a cool drink, and its bloody easy to look attractive when you are sitting down with a nice cool drink, while the rest of us die from heat exhaustion! I asked for a lift and he said I would only be cheating myself and then started yelling that the last one home would be on latrine clean. I was desperate to point out that the last one home would more than likely be me, so did he really want me to spend the rest of the evening cleaning the stinky bogs, had he forgotten he was supposed to love me? We linked arms and crossed the line together so that we were all first and all last and he said _"Very clever 2 section_" and then made all of us clean the latrines! Wonder what I see in him sometimes! I felt like asking him _"Who are you, you smug prick and what have you done with our Boss?"_

Am a bit bothered about Smurf again. I wasn't speaking to him for a while after he made his stupid announcement in the middle of the FOB, but he has said he's sorry and so we have sorta made friends again. I know he's a complete wanker but he don't seem right to me, he's lost his cocky git thing and although he's stopped seeing Taliban round every corner, that could be more to do with the fact that we stay inside Bastion and don't go out on patrols or missions or anything. We was all getting into our pits when Mansfield started trapping off as to how he wished he could stay on for another mission as no-one will get to read his death letter that he spent so much time writing! Honestly, how dumb can you get? I love him, he really makes me feel clever! Everyone started chipping in about their death letters when Smurf completely freaked! Seems like he got a loony letter from his mum saying that something bad is going to happen to him, just what you need in a war zone, innit? I knew when I met her when we was on R&R that she was a bit emotional but I could understand it, what with Geraint, and then Smurf getting shot, but now I'm beginning to think she's a nut job! Apparently she has had a premonition like she had when Geraint died, okay, but did she have to tell Smurf she thought he was going to die, I mean he's already pretty flaky? So, he got really freaked when everyone started to talk about their death letters and the type of coffin they wanted, mind you with a mum like his, I'm not surprised that he freaked!

Had to see Kinders before breakfast today. Was a bit worried really, apparently the Yanks are helping the ASF find Bashira's dad, Badrai cos after Sohail's murder he has gone on the 'most wanted' list and is proper Taliban. Kinders and the Boss have been talking to the Yanks about me joining in the mission to find him as I have seen him face to face in the village when I was talking to Bashira, so Kinders asked me how I felt about doing it but he didn't actually say I could refuse if I wanted to, so I said I would it would be my pleasure cos I didn't feel like I had a whole lot of choice. Who'd have thought it, Molly Dawes going on a mission with the ASF, hope one of them buggers speaks English, otherwise I could be screwed. I was a bit freaked about it actually and I wondered why the Boss hadn't told me himself, I really thought he would have done. Kinders told me to have some breakfast while I had enough time, so it's obviously going to happen quite soon. I am actually a bit scared and me appetite has disappeared completely! Was picking at me breakfast with Quaseem while the lads encouraged Mansfield to eat half a pig's worth of sausages and give himself a coronary or at least spend the rest of the day puking. Quaseem was saying that he was going back to Kabul so I asked him if I could visit when the war was over. He knew immediately that I meant that I wanted to visit Bashira to see that she is okay, and he was quick to tell me that she will be fine, but I still feel guilty that she is 'in care' because of me, I can't help it. I saw the boss talking to Kinders then stand there looking at me and Quaseem, so I went over and tried to start flirting with him but he was in one of his funny moods. I said that it was hard to keep me hands off him and he laughed then looked away and said _"Ditto"_

"_Ditto, bleeding ditto, I was expecting something a bit more romantic than ditto"_ of all the words that could be called romantic, ditto wouldn't appear on me list of the top one thousand.

He told me that we were supposed to be waiting out so I said I was and that we hadn't actually done anything anyway, and then he said he needed to focus on getting us all home in one piece. What does he need to focus on for fuck's sake, stopping Mansfield committing suicide by sausage or someone, probably Smurf, getting over-emotional at losing the volley-ball and shooting a Yank?

Oh shit, I think this is him backing off, he's changed his mind again about Cyprus and everything. I should have kept me mouth shut but I asked him if he thought we were a mistake and whether he'd changed his mind about us and he didn't answer me, so that told me everything I wanted to know, didn't it? You know what, I am getting totally pissed off with this, what is his problem? Why does he keep chopping and changing his mind? I feel like I can't keep up!

He said that I needed to get ready to go with the ASF and I don't want to think about him at the moment otherwise I'll start bawling and the ASF won't be too impressed with me then, will they?

So I'm off to save the world with the ASF and I'll let you know what happens later.

Love Mols x

**Authors notes: I wanted to fill the gaps between what we saw when Sohail died and what went on between the 'chat' and his peculiar behaviour reappearing when he seemed to back off again, and how Molly must have been confused by all his mixed messages, hope it works. Thanks for all your lovely reviews, please keep them coming so that I know whether anyone other than me reads each chapter! **


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Diary,

I'm back in one piece, well nearly! I was really scared when I got to the carrier and I was so jealous of the lads playing volleyball, I would have given anything to be playing or watching and I hate volleyball, I'm too small to be any good at playing it and I don't particularly enjoy watching it! When I got there he was waiting for me and he was wearing full kit, seems he was coming with me! He could have told me, it would have made me feel so much better. I felt really scared about doing this so it made me feel better when he said he wasn't going to let me out of his sight, but I still don't understand him, one minute he is lovely and trying to make me feel all safe and looked after and the next he is all sort of businesslike and distant from me. Does he love for me or doesn't he?, I just don't know most of the time

I could feel him looking at me when we was in the carrier going to wherever Badrai was supposed to be hiding, but I still feel a bit unhappy about the way he was this morning so I didn't look at him, I wish I'd never clapped eyes on Badrai. When we got to this little compound out in the middle of nowhere, the ASF went in doing all the shooting and shouting and that, and we waited out. I seem to do a lot of that! When we got in, I was supposed to look at the insurgents and see if Badrai was in there. The first two seemed pretty dead to me and they weren't Badrai anyway, the second lot were all trussed up but they weren't Badrai either. The last one managed to clock me one in the cakehole, God, it bleeding hurt and it was actually bleeding, my nose was pouring and he split me lip! The boss was all concerned and put his hand on me shoulder, so I told him that I'd never felt better, which may have been a bit of a lie. Jackie helped me sort it out and told me that she envied me getting to do all the action stuff, but I told her I would rather stay behind with the antiseptic and plasters. I don't think she believed me, but actually at that moment I was telling the truth.

The boss and I were doing a de-brief with Major Morley the yank and I heard him volunteering the whole section to be involved in a joint mission next time, God, I hope that there isn't a next time, I don't want anyone to be put in danger cos of me. The lads were all upset and worried that I had an injury so I lied and said I had fallen in the gym, I don't know why I lied, it just didn't feel right talking about it and they would have asked loads of questions that I didn't want to answer. Most of them seemed to believe me, but not Smurf, he could see that I was lying, sometimes I think that Smurf sees far more than we give him credit for which Is a bit worrying, there are some things I don't want him to see. I told him what had happened when we were walking to one of the hangars, Kinders has got us in there packing containers full of kit that are going to Cyprus, wonder if I have still got anything to look forward to in Cyprus? Smurf started on about Vegas again and showed me a picture of the dress he reckons he is going to buy me, terrific, I 've always wanted to look as if I am touting for rough trade round the back of Kings Cross! Smurf is someone else I am going to have to sort when we get out of here, he always wants more, I say _mates_, he wants _best mates_, I say _best mates_, he wants _wedding chapels_, don't know yet how I'm gonna sort it but I have to.

The boss came and collected me cos Morley wants us in the detention place and on the way I asked him if he was looking forward to going home and he said 'no'. I felt like asking him if he wasn't looking forward to seeing me, but, quite honestly he's so distant and boss-like, there doesn't seem to be any point! He said something about wanting to stay if you find a place where you're happy, so I asked him if he was talking about himself, but he didn't really answer. One of the insurgents from this morning seems to know me so they wanted me to let them know who he was and that, but I didn't recognise him at all. He kept saying it was all my fault, then he mentioned Bashira so I was allowed to go and question him. The boss didn't look too happy about it at all, in fact, he tried to persuade me not to, but I did and it turns out that the insurgent is Badrai's son and Bashira's brother and that Badrai is going to find Bashira and punish her and it is all my doing. So there is going to be a mission to get Badrai who is apparently hiding out in the mountains but will be making his way to Kabul in a lorry full of explosives to find Bashira and to, more than likely, blow her up.

God, what have I done? Bashira's dad tried to kill her, now she's in care, her dad is a target for the ASF and the yanks, her brother is in custody, Sohail is dead and the lads are gonna have to be involved in a dangerous mission and all cos I fucked up! Couldn't do as I was told! The boss took me into his cabin and was trying to tell me that I had always done the right thing and that he was proud of me and that I should be proud of the soldier I was and that I had changed the way he looked at things, so I said _"Thank you Boss"_ I wasn't sure if he meant it all or whether he was just saying it to make me feel better but then he turned himself into the bloke I was in love with and told me that he wouldn't be me boss when we got home and so I asked him if he meant 'we' and he started to talk about Bath and Christmas and he was definitely asking me to spend Christmas with him when bloody Smurf knocked at the door.

It was obvious that I had been crying and that we had been having a 'deep and meaningful', so I didn't want Smurf to see us together, he sees far too much for my liking as it is, so the boss bundled me into his wardrobe to hide while he got rid of Smurf. Smurf was still trapping off about his nut-job mum's letter and how he had to act before the mission just in case he didn't come back and how his mum had sent him her engagement ring so the boss asked him what the bloody hell he was talking about and Smurf said as how he was going to ask me to marry him. WHAT? The boss told him to put the ring away and not to talk about any of this crap again while we are here or he would send him home! It must have been very difficult for the boss, he obviously knew that I could hear every word and that he couldn't say 'no way, she's mine' to Smurf, so he told Smurf to sod off out of it, when Smurf broke my heart, and asked him about his wife…..

He's married! Everything makes sense now! How could he do this to me? All that blowing hot and cold makes sense now, what happened, did he keep getting a conscience about his wife? Why the hell didn't he tell me he's got a wife before I fell so much in love with him? He must know me well enough to know that I wouldn't mess with a married man or maybe that was why he didn't tell me. I know we haven't actually done anything but we would have done in Cyprus, we both know that, so when was he going to tell me, before or after? Bastion? Or maybe Bath at Christmas or more likely he wasn't telling the truth about wanting me to spend Christmas with him. It would have been a bit tricky explaining me to his wife!

He followed me as I did one out of his cabin, reckons he never told me any lies, that he is separated from his wife, but separated still means he's got a wife doesn't it? so he was pretty economical with the truth whichever way you look at it. And he's got kids, well he didn't admit it but he never denied it either, so that means he has.

There is no privacy in this dump so even if you wanna bawl your eyes out there is always someone about, and this time it was Smurf of all people. Actually he was quite sweet, all protective and trying to make me feel better cos he thinks that I am bawling because I am afraid of the mission so I let him think that, it was as good an excuse as any and I couldn't tell him the truth could I? He then produced his mum's ring and I had to be really careful not to let on that I knew all about it, I almost let it slip. In the end I agreed to wear it round me neck to keep it safe. I am sorry for Smurf but I will have to give it back when we get back from the mission, I don't love him so I can't marry him, I do love the boss, I can't just switch it off, but I can't be with him either. I hate this place.

I was counting the days to Cyprus now I just want to go home. Gotta go now, off to catch the bad guy, will finish this after Badrai is busted

Love ,Mols x

**Authors Notes: Sorry it has taken an extra day or so to get this uploaded, was almost good to go when real life intruded, it's a bugger when that happens isn't it? I like to do this and Crush in two single hits, whereas I have been doing Consequences in lots of small bits over a longish period, I don't know why but it seems to work for me. As always thank you so much for the reviews, please keep me going. **


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Diary,

We all had to go to the briefing tonight about this bloody mission to capture Badrai, Major Morley and the boss were doing it and I tried to concentrate on the Major and keep my eyes away from the boss, but I know he looked at me a few times. I don't know how to act around him cos I hate him at the same time as I love him and I don't want to let him see what he's done to me, except that if I am honest, I do want him to know. I don't know how I'm gonna get through the next few hours except to keep telling myself that it will all be over soon. Why me? Why can't I fall I love with some lovely bloke who falls in love with me and we can live happily ever after? I don't love Smurf, so not him, I can't have the boss, he's married, so not him obviously, and I always knew he was out of my league anyway, probably wouldn't have looked at me twice if there was lots of girls around, it was cos I was the only one, it's obvious! Actually, I think I am being a harsh on myself, I think he did care about me when we was in the med tent and with all that stuff when I went on R&R, I just think he didn't want to tell me about his wife cos he wanted to sleep with me in Cyprus and I didn't exactly give him the impression that I'm the Virgin Mary, so you can't blame him really, except I do, he's hurt me!

Night time helicopter ride into the middle of bleeding nowhere, it is pitch dark so we are wearing night vision goggles which means people can't really see your eyes which is a good thing at the moment cos I reckon mine probably look like road maps with all the bloodshot bits. I am wearing Smurf's mum's ring round me neck, but only to keep it safe for him, sorry and that Smurf but I am not going to get with you, no matter what. When we got in this ditch to walk to the CP, the boss muttered something about it being okay for me to hate him but he was going to get me home safe anyway. Where does he get the idea that this is all about me getting home safely? it's not, it's about him lying to me and letting me fall in love with him and inviting me for Christmas and that when he knows it can't happen.

We were trudging along when there was this huge explosion, frightened the shit out of all of us, this is supposed to be a secret operation so we didn't know how come someone was trying to blow us up. I couldn't help it, as soon as the whatever it was exploded I looked straight at him and he looked straight at me to check if each other was safe, old habits die very hard! Then I realised it were a thunder storm. Everyone was dizzy with relief. I think we all thought we was about to die, so no-one actually cared when it started pissing down. We set up a post in this little compound hut place while we waited out for Badrai to pitch up in his lorry, I've told you before that I do a hell of a lot of waiting out, and Quaseem came and offered to help me set up the med post, but really I think he came in for a chat. He wanted to know if I was okay and said we was doing the right thing but I have a feeling that he knows more than he should about why I'm miserable. It is really sad about what happened to his family and I can understand why he hates the Taliban for what they did, but he told me that he feels guilty that he survived which is why he volunteers for the dangerous stuff, I bet he was a lovely dad. The contact from the ASF pitched up talking about football teams, God Almighty, just what we needed, a looney tunes!

We was hanging about waiting for the sun to come up, again, and for this lorry to show up at the CP when Smurf came in the little room where I was waiting on my own, I didn't want company. He wanted to have another deep and meaningful about what might have been and what he wished he could go back and change and feelings and that and the rest of the bollocks, he just can't give it a rest, keeps worrying at it all the time and he don't seem to get it that it don't matter how often he goes on about it, it ain't going to change anything, friends we are and friends is all we're gonna be! In the end I told him straight, go back to Newport and find someone else cos it ain't never gonna be me.

I had just finished saying this to Smurf when he came in. Smurf sort of stood to attention but I just stood up and turned me back, I can't look at him, I don't want to look at him, especially not in front of eagle-eyed Smurf. The boss made some lame comment on the med. post set up, it was so obviously an excuse to speak to me. Smurf left, I think the boss told him to go in some way. As soon as Smurf had gone he started to rabbit on about the mission, I wanted to scream that we both knew that wasn't why he was in there, so could he just say what he wanted to and then go and leave me alone, so I said nothing. He asked me if I was okay, so I asked him "W_hy wouldn't I be?" _ after all he's only taken my heart and smashed it to bits, no biggie! Then he told me that he's got a son who is in his life and that he'd wanted to tell me but hadn't found the right time, so I turned to look at him and told him that he'd really hurt me, and he said that he'd only wanted to make me happy and you know what? somewhere inside I began to believe him, whether that was because I wanted to believe him, I don't know, but I can't switch off loving him just like that, even if he has really fucked it up big time.

We started to talk about what happened in the ditch when we heard that explosion, about how we'd looked at each other when we thought we was going to die and then his voice went all soft and loving as he looked into my eyes and totally melted my heart and I forgot everything that had gone on, when he said that he knew at that moment that I was all he wanted, and that I was the last thing he wanted to see. Tears started welling up as I looked up into his eyes and said "ditto" and then it happened, the thing that I have been longing for and dreaming of for months, the thing I thought was never going to happen after yesterday morning, he bent his head and he kissed me. My stomach disappeared and my legs dissolved and I wanted to stay there forever and I reckon he felt exactly the same, except the bloody war interrupted us again and we had to pull ourselves together and get back into soldier mode. And you know what, I don't want to, I just want to stay kissing him, I love him.

He was all boss-like and in charge as we crossed the bridge towards the barrier, deploying the lads and in total control as we went. Smurf was told to watch a farmer with a goat who was watching us marching towards the back of the lorry. I was just trying to work out what was wrong with the picture in front of me, I knew there was something odd, but I couldn't work it out when Smurf fired at the farmer killing his goat and shouting and yelling at him about giving him an excuse to shoot, he'd finally lost the plot completely. It has obviously been coming for a while, I wish we'd done something about it before but Smurf was now ranting on at the boss, blaming him for all sorts and going on about Geraint and then about me and the boss and mixing personal with operational and seeing stuff and he wouldn't put his gun down or listen to reason and I suddenly realised what was wrong with the picture in the back of the lorry. The women wearing burkas were afraid of me, they were shrinking back and Afghan women have never looked scared of me before, they are friendly and smiley, they have no reason to be scared of me so I looked at what I could see of their faces and one looked all wrong, the eyebrows were all wrong, it wasn't a woman and I knew at that second it was Badrai.

I panicked as he pulled his AK47 out from under his burka and I started to run as I screamed at the boss that it was Badrai and for everyone to take cover as he opened fire. The boss and Smurf were out in the open in the middle of the bridge where there was no cover and he got the boss first, one bullet to his stomach and another that shattered his leg. A ricochet got Smurf in his arm but I didn't know that at first cos I was trying desperately to stop the boss bleeding to death in front of me, the man I love, the man who had just kissed me for the first time. I was screaming a silent prayer that it wouldn't be the last time as I struggled to keep him with me and then noticed that Smurf was standing there shell-shocked and I pulled him down and saw he was wounded as well so I got him to tourniquet his own arm then went between the two of them treating them both. "N_o, no, no, you can't die on me, I love you " _I was terrified and screaming in my head as I tried to keep the boss alive and he kept saying he was sorry. I don't know what he was sorry for.

Someone yelled asking if anyone could eyeball Badrai and I saw him just as he raised his gun ready to shoot someone, me probably, so I grabbed the boss' pistol and shot him. I think I got him right through the head. Oh God, I've just killed someone, but you know what, I think he's just killed the man I love.

I can't write any more now, will let you know later,

Mol x

**Authors notes: Thanks very much for your ongoing support, you're all great. I broke this at the point before the helicopter ride as I actually think her killing Badrai is significant to the way she feels later when she is desperate to make sure Bashira is okay. I see the helicopter retrieval contributing to her panic because she loses sight and control over his treatment. It was a lovely excuse to watch the DVD again a couple, or three, times. Please R&R for me. **


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Diary,

I know it's been a while but I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. He wasn't dead, he still isn't as far as I know and what is driving me mad is that I don't know, not for sure. After he got taken by the helicopter I never got to see him properly again, couldn't go with him, they wouldn't let me and anyway there wasn't enough room what with Smurf being on there as well as the resus team and that, so I had to let other people look after him. Smurf told me that they had to resuscitate him twice on the way to Bastion and that it was all my fault, me and the Boss, and I know they had to resus him again when he got there, so it was probably just as well I wasn't there, I couldn't have handled it. As soon as he was stable they took him back home and now I've got no idea how he is, no-one says. I don't want to ask because I am afraid of the answer but I can't stop trying to ear-wig on people's conversations cos I am half wanting to know and half afraid to know. I did the After Action Report and I think that Beck thinks I have lost me marbles, said I should see the shrink cos I was so upset about it all, but no-one understands how I feel, specially as what happened to him was all my fault. I can't sleep properly cos every time I close me eyes I see him being shot and then I see Badrai after I shot him, it's like a nightmare without me being asleep.

Cleared out his quarters today and packed up his stuff, he hadn't got a lot and I was a bit worried about going through his personal letters and stuff, but Kinders told me to 'sanitise' it, but there was no porn, I would have been surprised if there was. There was a letter from someone about his divorce, apparently he is already divorced, I wonder why he told me he was separated? And some pictures of his little boy who looks really sweet and some of his toys, God, I hope he's alright! Some of his stuff smells of him, I wish I could just go and see him and hug him.

Cyprus seemed like a waste of time and everyone seemed to be having a good time except me, it's almost as though they have forgotten about him and Smurf, although Smurf wasn't badly hurt and I am having a job not blaming him. I know that this is all my fault and that no-one would have been hurt but for me and that Smurf probably wouldn't have lost the plot, but I told him over and over that it wasn't going to happen. Smurf only seems to hear what he wants to hear, it's as if he is the star of his own film and I am his love interest so he ignores anything that don't suit him.

Kinders has just told me that he has heard that Smurf is doing well, the lads are all convinced we are an item. But I don't give a fuck, well I do, obviously, but he told me that the boss has to have another operation, God I hope he isn't going to lose his leg, I can't bear this. Cyprus was where we were going to spend time together, instead I am almost holding me breath waiting to hear if he is okay, I really miss him.

Nan hired a car and bought mum and dad to meet me at Brize it was lovely to see them and to get a hug from mum, I really needed someone to hug me. It also meant that I could get them to take me to a station to get a train to Birmingham and the hospital without having to wait for the rest of the section and go in a minibus, even if that meant going AWOL. I don't care, I would probably have ended up killing someone if I had to listen to their bollocks all the way up the motorway. As it happens, Nan took me all the way to the hospital so I got there much quicker than I expected and went straight to find out where he was, then went up to ICU, and he wasn't there. There was no sign of him, his bed was empty, and I nearly died of fright cos I thought the thing I had been dreading most had happened and I was too late to see him.

Smurf appeared and told me that he had been taken to theatre for an emergency operation on his leg, I think Smurf is still mad at me, he said it in such a way that made it sound like he could die at any second and that it would be touch and go for the next twelve hours, it was very scarey. I told him I was sorry for everything that had happened, actually I feel a little bit sorry for him, he seems to have finally accepted that I love the boss, but he still seems to think that if he had got in touch after Guildford, everything would have been different. It wouldn't! We waited for a very long time, it was dark when they bought him back from theatre and they couldn't tell us anything so we waited all night outside his room, sitting on hard plastic chairs, but I couldn't leave to find somewhere to sleep, I couldn't leave without seeing him and touching him, I feel like I want to watch over him, keep him safe. I slept on Smurf's shoulder for a bit but woke up when it was daylight, and he was still alive. He woke when I was looking through the window and I saw his face as he saw me looking at him so I smiled and he was staring at me as though he couldn't believe his eyes. The nurse called me in and I spoke to him about being really there, I was trying to show him I glad I was to be there and how glad I was that he was still here with me, I haven't seen him since I was trying to stop him bleeding to death on that sodding bridge and I would have told him straight off that I love him but Smurf was still there. There's always someone in the way.

Eventually Smurf got the message that he was a bit of a gooseberry so he made some excuse about breakfast and left, and at last it was just us. There was so much I wanted to ask him and tell him but I only got the chance to hold his hand for a minute and stroke his hair back, he looked so poorly, when his little boy and his ex pitched up. His kid looks sweet and it was obvious that the boss was making a huge effort to look as if he was all okay and not feeling ill. He introduced me to his kid as someone who had saved his life in Afghan but he didn't introduce his ex wife to me or tell her my name. She made me feel very little and scruffy and a bit grubby, mind you I was, I hadn't had a shower or changed me clothes for more than a day, I felt minging. She looks classy, all posh clothes and shiny hair and she speaks like him too, what the hell does he see in a tatty bird like me? I felt like I had to get out of there so I told him I had to go and he said it was good to see me, called me Dawes, so I said_" Ditto" _and left. Was outside having a bit of a bawl, I think it was relief that he was okay, I felt like I had been holding my breath for ever, when Smurf's mum pitched up so we went onto the ward to see him together. After a bit the lads turned up and Kinders was quite kind about me going AWOL, said he understood about me needing to see Smurf, I didn't put him right, but I wonder if the lads piss taking encouraged Smurf to keep getting the wrong end of the stick where I'm concerned. Kinders said I had to go to barracks with them when they left, so I slipped back to see the boss before I had to leave. He was happy to see me, even if he was still weak and wobbly and we chatted a bit, he told me about what had happened with Rebecca and I said about how I was sorry that I almost got him killed, but he wouldn't have that, said it was all his fault and that he was going to leave the army. Said the army had always been his whole life till he met me and that we didn't have to wait out any more, not sure what he meant by that, but it scared me a bit, we haven't even kissed properly yet.

We had the medal parade this morning and the boss had only gone and written me up for a proper medal, not a campaign medal, for what happened with Smurf at the mountain CP. Apparently I am going to get a Military Cross from her Maj. Mum and Dad were there and Nan and they was dead proud and the lads were as well, but it felt all wrong to me, I was getting a medal and the two people who were involved, Smurf and the Boss were both in hospital because of me. I didn't say anything though, I have learnt enough to know when to keep me gob shut cos it won't make any difference what I think, this is the army and they're always right.

Being home on leave is difficult, it was nice to see everyone but I am all over the shop, can't switch me nut off from what happened in Afghan and Bashira and her family. I have got Quaseem looking for her, I really need to know she is okay, I tried to tell mum how I felt but she doesn't understand, no-one does. Had a phone call from the boss asking me out on a proper date in Bath next week, we have spoken several times on the phone, so I will get something classy to wear and book a Travelodge room to make sure I have somewhere to stay if it all goes to shit, don't want to take anything for granted, and it will give me somewhere to get ready. I am excited but quite nervous as well, I haven't seen him in civvies before, mind you he ain't seen me neither, so I wonder if we'll still fancy each other?

The date was magic, how could I doubt we would still fancy each other? He's drop dead gorgeous in civvies, and he looked years younger and he told me that I was beautiful as well, and I could tell from his face that he meant it. I only remember little bits of what we talked about and I have no idea what I ate, we was staring into each other's eyes most of the time and just smiling at each other, it had been such a long wait for this. I do remember that he told me that he loves me, how could I forget that, and that he thinks I should go back to Afghan and finish what I started and that he thinks I will be brilliant. I think he means that nicely, I thought I was brilliant already, but I think we are talking about different things, I think he was talking about me being brilliant as a medic! His name is Charles, not sure about that, think I might have to call him Charlie, Charles is just too posh for me.

I spent the night with him, of course I did, and it was everything I thought it would be, he is the magic I was talking about. I have had loads of boyfriends, most of which I regret now, well all of them actually, but I have never been to bed with anyone who spent so much time loving me instead of just having sex with me. Oh don't get me wrong, we had the sex as well, most of the night actually, it didn't seem to matter that he'd just got out of hospital, but it was loving sex and it was brilliant, he was brilliant. He kissed me as though I was the most precious thing he had ever touched and as he kissed me, he became the most precious thing I'd ever held, and we knew we loved each other and didn't just want each other. He lives in a seriously posh house, well his parents own it, its more like a stately home than someone's house. If my parents owned a gaffe like that I'd live at home forever.

Can't write more now, something awful has happened

Og….Og…..….Og…Og…Og

_Found this diary the other d_ay _when I was clearing out some old stuff from my days in the army and decided to read it. God, I was so young and daft most of the time but I was right when I said that I would forget lots of things, I did. Some of it I tried to forget on purpose and reading it has bought it all back, like when Charlie got shot and I killed Badrai. I see that I stopped writing it the day Smurf died, God that was horrendous. He had pitched up out of the blue still rabbiting on about Vegas and seemed to have accepted that if we went it was as mates, then we went around London doing the touristy bits and ended up at Upton Park. He ran across to the goal and flung himself down, I thought he was messing but he wasn't. He just died. Apparently he had a brain bleed, a small one which had been getting worse for a while. It may well have explained his flaky behaviour in Afghan. After he died, Charlie and I went to shit. The funeral was horrible, I wanted to hug Charlie, he looked devastated but I couldn't forgive myself that I hadn't been able to save Smurf and I was totally fragged, couldn't think straight about anything or anyone, so I went back to Afghan to mentor the ANA medics and to try and sort some stuff out, starting with Bashira. Quaseem took me to see her and she was doing great, happy, healthy and having a proper childhood, not all involved with war and the Taliban. She was as happy to see me as I was to see her, and although I will always feel guilty that I killed her dad, it was him or me or Charlie, so I had no choice. I was bleeding good at mentoring the ANA, and I really enjoyed it, l missed Charlie though, it seemed odd to be in Afghan without him, then one day I had this lovely letter from him which told me all about the way he felt and that, so when I came home I went to Bath and saw him and I sorted it all out._

_There are lots of entries in my diary where you could see my feelings about him were changing, where I was getting this massive crush on someone who was not only very tasty but was way out of my reach and that I fancied the pants off him. I kept writing that I loved him, I didn't of course, I wanted to shag him like there was no tomorrow, but that isn't love. Love is what I've got now, someone who tells you they are thrilled and who doesn't go ballistic when you forget to take your pill and end up screwing up the holiday you've had planned for a year, someone who gets up at 2.00 in the morning and walks the floor with the baby for the rest of the night when you're knackered even though they're knackered as well, then brings you tea in bed and tells you to have a lie in, someone who listens while your dad, who is pissed, has a racist rant, and someone who wears a stupid paper hat on Boxing Day while he's pretending to listen, someone who puts the rubbish out even when it isn't his turn, and without being asked, and someone I still call Boss and who still calls me Dawsey in private moments, and someone who pretended to believe me when I said I had read his favourite book, even though I watched the DVD instead, so that I know the ending, which is our ending,_

_Reader I Married Him!_

**Authors notes: With thanks to Jane Austen. I always planned to end the diary this way rather than go into detail on the bits I found hard to understand, why they got all shitty with each other etc., so I hope this worked for everyone else. Thank you all so much for sticking with me and for your lovely reviews. I decided not to be graphic over the sex bit, I didn't think it was appropriate for her diary, but I hope no-one is disappointed. Charlie's letter to Molly in Afghan will be included in full in It's Just A Crush. Please review and let me know whether this worked for you.**


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